


A Penance of Sorrows

by butterflyslinky



Series: Spoils of War [2]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Episode: s04e10 Our Man Bashir, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-01 23:00:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10202786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butterflyslinky/pseuds/butterflyslinky
Summary: After their return from the Gamma Quadrant, Julian struggles to recover from Tain's attack, while Garak tries to assuage his own guilt.





	

_Act normal._

That had always been the prevailing thought in Julian’s mind, ever since he was six. No matter what happens, you must act normal.

It wasn’t exactly easy, especially when he was a child, but after living a lie for twenty years, normal had almost become a part of him. Now, acting normal was second nature to him.

But right now, normal just wasn’t something Julian could achieve.

It had been almost three weeks since he, Garak and Odo had come back from the Gamma Quadrant, but somehow, it felt like no time had passed at all. Oh, Julian went about his life as usual, did his work, talked to his coworkers, played darts with Miles, but somehow, none of it felt real.

But he couldn’t let that show. He had to keep up appearances, had to go on as usual, had to pretend nothing was wrong, that his body didn’t feel alien to him, that he didn’t spend every night staring at his ceiling unable to sleep…

“Doctor?”

Julian started and looked up. He and Garak were having lunch, another one of those normal things that Julian forced himself to do, though he felt much less transient during them. Maybe it was because Garak was the only person who really knew what had happened, or maybe it was because, in spite of it, Garak always found something to say that distracted him, that kept his mind too busy to think about what Tain had done.

“I’m sorry, Garak, did you say something?”

“Nothing of importance,” Garak said. “But you were very far away.” He frowned a bit. “And you’re not eating, either. In fact, you haven’t been eating much at all since…since we got back.”

Julian looked down at his full plate. “You’re right,” he said. “I just…I’m not hungry.”

“You haven’t been hungry for three weeks?”

“No,” Julian said. “I haven’t been hungry, or tired, or in any way distressed, so please, leave me alone!”

Garak looked startled. “I’m sorry if I offended you,” he said. “I was merely concerned for you.”

“Yeah, well.” Julian stood up abruptly. “Maybe you should have been concerned for me three weeks ago when you took a knife to my back.”

He barely registered Garak’s hurt and guilty expression before he stormed out.

*

About the only thing Julian could say for his distraction was that acting “normal” was actually easier when his mind refused to stop thinking about what had happened.

He didn’t have to try to lose at darts anymore, didn’t have to intentionally make mistakes in his work. That was probably a good thing, because if he had had to focus on not acting genetically enhanced right then, he probably would have driven himself insane.

Provided he wasn’t already.

The problem was that people were starting to notice.

“You all right, Julian?” Miles asked.

They’d been playing racquetball all afternoon and Julian had been losing badly. Before, he would have won, though barely, or else thrown the match at the last moment to make Miles feel better. Today, he had barely been able to hit the ball at all.

“Yeah,” Julian said. “Just…distracted.”

“You’ve been distracted for weeks,” Miles said. “Ever since…” He trailed off.

Julian hadn’t told anyone the details of what had happened, only that Tain had tortured him. He had hastily treated himself for the worst of it on the Defiant, and then allowed his most trusted underling on the station to do the rest, after swearing she wouldn’t say a word to anyone. Maybe it was unfair for him not to tell anyone what had happened, but Julian knew he would hate their pity more. He was already getting enough of that without them knowing the details.

Miles sighed. “What did that Cardie bastard do to you?” he muttered, more to himself than to Julian.

Julian’s jaw tightened. “You know how they work,” he said. “I’m sure you can fill in the details.” He sighed. “Sorry, Miles, but I don’t think I’m up for another match right now.”

“Yeah, of course,” Miles said. “Whatever you need. Just…if you want to talk…”

“I really don’t.” Julian turned and left the holosuite.

*

Commander Sisko didn’t make it a habit to interfere in the lives of his crew. They were all grown adults and he trusted them to come to him if they needed help.

Which was why, when Chief O’Brien came into his office looking bothered, Sisko was prepared to hear about Keiko or Molly or some broken part of engineering. He was not prepared for what actually came out of O’Brien’s mouth.

“Sir, can we keep this private?”

“Of course, Chief.” Sisko entered a few commands on the computer. “Problems with the missus?”

“No,” O’Brien said. “No, nothing like that.” He took a deep breath. “I’m worried about Julian.”

Sisko’s eyebrows shot up. That was definitely unexpected. “Any particular reason why?”

“Ever since we got back from the Gamma Quadrant, he’s been acting strange,” O’Brien said. “He’s been snappish and distracted, he looks exhausted…I think he might have also lost some weight.” He took a few deep breaths. “I don’t know what the Cardies and Romulans did to him, but it’s obviously still bothering him and…I’m worried about his health.”

“I see.” Sisko sat back. Now that O’Brien mentioned it, he had noticed that Dr. Bashir had been rather jumpy lately. His medical reports had more mistakes than usual and the doctor did look unhealthy whenever Sisko saw him. “I don’t know what happened, either. I know he was tortured, but he didn’t share any details. I imagine that it was very traumatic, though.”

“Oh, no doubt,” O’Brien said. “But…I don’t know, is there a counselor he should see or something?”

“I could order him to see one, yes,” Sisko said. “Thank you for bringing it to my attention. Is there anything else?”

O’Brien hesitated. “I…he’s still be spending time with Garak. I wonder if…maybe it’s not such a good idea?”

“You’ve been wondering that since their friendship started,” Sisko said. “But I’ll ask him about it. Thank you, Mr. O’Brien. You’re dismissed.”

O’Brien nodded and left the office. Sisko took a deep breath and hit his commbadge. “Sisko to Bashir.”

“Go ahead, Commander.”

“I’d like to see you in my office when you have a moment.”

“I’m on my way.”

Bashir arrived a few minutes later. Examining him closely, Sisko could see dark circles under the doctor’s eyes and agreed with O’Brien’s assessment that he had lost weight. More than that, Bashir had been much more subdued since they had come back from the Gamma Quadrant. Sisko understood, to a point, but it was jarring to see the usually cheerful and energetic young man be so downcast.

“You wanted to see me, sir?” Bashir asked.

“Yes,” Sisko said. “I understand you’ve been having some trouble lately.”

“Sir?”

“You’ve been distracted and brusque with your colleagues. Your reports have been haphazard and full of errors. You look sick.” Sisko leaned on his desk and looked at Bashir seriously. “I know something happened to you in the Gamma Quadrant. I know Tain hurt you. And I know that can’t be easy to move past.”

“Sir, I…”

“I want to know what happened.”

Bashir flinched. “It’s already in the reports,” he mumbled.

“The reports say he tortured you. They don’t give any details beyond that.” Sisko tried to look sympathetic. “Whatever he did to you is still hurting. I want to help you, Julian, but I need to know what I’m dealing with.”

Bashir turned away. Sisko didn’t say anything. He could order Bashir to tell him what happened, but that probably wouldn’t help.

“If you don’t want my help right now, that’s fine,” Sisko said. “But I’m going to take you off active duty for a few weeks and order you to see a counselor.”

He turned to his computer to start making the necessary arrangements when Bashir spoke.

“He raped me.”

Sisko’s head jerked up. He stared at Bashir in shock. “What?”

“Tain.” Bashir turned back and looked at Sisko, his face a mask of misery. “He raped me…several times. It was…he did it to make Garak cooperate with him.”

Sisko sat back, his mind in turmoil. Tain had…no, it was too horrible to think about. But Bashir wouldn’t lie about this, and the boy looked so miserable…

“Oh, Julian,” Sisko said, his voice low. “I’m…”

“Don’t…please don’t, sir.” Bashir looked like he wanted to cry but was too tired to do so. “This is why I didn’t tell anyone…I couldn’t take everyone looking at me like that.”

“Understood,” Sisko said. “I still think a leave of absence might be a good idea…”

“No,” Bashir interrupted. “I don’t want leave, sir…I already think about it all the time. If I didn’t have my work to distract me, I’d have to…I wouldn’t be able to escape from it.”

“All right,” Sisko said. “If that’s what you want. But if you can’t concentrate…”

“I’ll do better, I swear.” Bashir looked like he was about to panic. “I just…I need something.”

“All right,” Sisko said soothingly. “I am ordering you to see a counselor. Daily until they say otherwise.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And…” Sisko hesitated. “You said that Tain…was using you to control Mr. Garak?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I understand you and Mr. Garak are still spending time together.”

“Yes, sir…it’s…he’s the only other person who knows what happened and…”

“I want you to ask your counselor if that’s a good idea.”

“It wasn’t his fault.”

“I know, Julian, but he is tied to the trauma. At least ask.”

“Yes, sir.”

Sisko sighed. He didn’t know how to deal with this. Sure, there had been a few lectures on what to do in this sort of situation at the Academy, but it was nowhere near enough preparation to actually handle it. “Is there anything I can do for you?” he asked gently.

Bashir shook his head. “No, sir…thank you, sir.”

“All right. If you ever need anything…”

“I know, sir.”

“All right…dismissed.”

Bashir turned and fled the office. Sisko slumped back in his chair, hoping he had done enough.

*

_Act normal._

All his life, Garak had acted normal. It was the only way to survive, the only way to cope with everything going on around him.

It was much easier than he cared to admit to slip back into his routine after his trip to the Gamma Quadrant. Once his shop reopened, it was the same as it always had been. Hours of tedium, sewing for the entire station, putting on a smile for the occasional customer, pretending he didn’t hate most of them. It was fine. It was all fine.

Almost.

There was still the twinge of guilt whenever he looked at Julian, still withdrawn and shaking from what he’d gone through. Julian had said they should just go back to normal, should move past what had happened. Except they couldn’t. They still had lunch once a week, but more and more Garak was carrying the conversation while Julian picked at his food and snapped at him.

He tried not to let it bother him. It was partly his fault…no, it was all his fault. He should have done something, anything to prevent it. There must have been something he could have done.

And the worst part was, after all of that, Garak still loved Julian.

None of it had made any difference to that. Even after Tain had broken Julian, had shown Garak just how foolish it was to keep someone so close to him, Garak couldn’t stop loving Julian. He knew that he should walk away, that he should leave Julian to just take care of himself, cast him away like everyone else he had ever felt affection for, but he couldn’t. He still loved the doctor, still wanted to help him, and sitting there, watching him suffer week after week...well, it wasn’t helping.

All of that had been weighing on him for three weeks when Commander Sisko walked into his shop.

“Commander!” Garak said, putting on his brightest smile. “This is a surprise! What can I do for you? A new suit? A new baseball outfit, perhaps?”

“No, thank you, Mr. Garak,” Sisko said. “This is more…personal.” He hesitated. “Can I speak to you in private?”

Garak’s smile slipped, but he closed the door and turned on the closed sign. “What’s this about, then?” he asked, much less friendly than before.

“It’s about Julian,” Sisko said.

Garak’s smile faded completely and he sat down behind his worktable. “I see.”

“He told me what happened.” Sisko’s eyes closed and he looked like he wanted to collapse but there was no other chair.

The air seemed to vanish from the room. If Julian had told Sisko everything…how long would it be until Garak had to leave?

“He told you everything?”

“He told me Tain…” Sisko looked faintly nauseated. “He told me what Tain did to him.”

Garak bowed his head. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t…it was my fault, Commander, and if I could…”

“Hey, hey!” Sisko seemed fairly alarmed now. “Who said anything about this being your fault?”

“He told you why Tain…why it happened.”

“He said it was to control you.”

“Yes.” Garak stood up and grabbed his current project. “It was to make me participate in all of his plans. It was to make me cooperate with torturing people I care about…and yes, that included Julian. I didn’t just stand there and watch. I participated. I literally stabbed him in the back. I watched Tain rape him and I did nothing! I let him get hurt and I can’t take that back, no matter how much I want to.”

Sisko was quiet for several minutes. “Garak,” he finally said. “I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through right now. I can’t even imagine what that must be like.” He took a deep breath. “But I’m not here to blame you. What Tain did…he might have done it to hurt you, but it wasn’t your fault. You can’t be held responsible for his actions…or yours while you were under duress.”

“Commander…I was still a part of it.” Garak started sewing, perhaps a bit more irritably than usual. “I hurt him…I’m the reason he was hurt. And I can’t help him.”

“No one is asking you to help him,” Sisko said. “I’ve ordered him to see the station’s counselor, who is professionally trained to help him. I would suggest you do the same.”

“Thank you, Commander, I am well acquainted with all the amenities offered on the station,” Garak said, his voice icy.

Sisko hesitated. “I…also wonder if it might be a good idea for you and Dr. Bashir to…spend less time together.”

“I see.” And there it was. It would start with them seeing less of each other, and then not seeing each other, and then Sisko would find some reason to send him back to Cardassia to be executed as was proper. “Is that another order you gave him?”

“No,” Sisko said. “But…since you were part of what happened…”

“I understand.” He finished the garment and picked up another one. “If he doesn’t want to see me, I won’t press him.”

“I don’t know what he wants,” Sisko said. “I don’t think he knows yet. But…I think we should give him space to figure that out.”

“You’re right, Commander,” Garak said. “Is that all?”

“Yes.” Sisko turned. “If you need anything…”

“Thank you, Commander,” Garak said, clear dismissal in his voice. He went and unlocked the door.

Sisko nodded and left.

*

“How do you feel, Julian?”

Julian sighed. It was his first appointment with the station’s counselor and he didn’t know how to proceed. “Numb,” he said. “I just…I don’t feel anything.”

The counselor nodded. “Do you want to tell me why you’re here?”

“I’d probably better.” He took a deep breath. “So…I have a friend…Garak, the tailor? So three weeks ago, someone tried to kill him, but he managed to thwart them. But he found out other people he used to work with died, so he went to find his old mentor…Enabran Tain. And I went with him.” He took another shuddering breath. “We found Tain with a group of Romulans. They were going to attack the Dominion…and Tain asked Garak to join them. Garak accepted.” He swallowed. “Tain didn’t believe that Garak was on his side and he realized Garak cared about me, so…” God, this was hard. He’d always had to be so careful about what he said that he’d never been able to tell anyone a simple story. “Tain raped me. At first, just in his quarters, but then…he dragged me out and made Garak watch it…and…and Garak tortured me. He cut my back open…he watched Tain rape me and he didn’t do anything.” He closed his eyes, fighting tears. “Then…the Dominion attacked and we escaped and…and we’ve gone back to normal.”

The counselor hummed. “I wouldn’t call this normal. You’re still hurting. That’s why you’re here.”

“I know.” Julian took several deep breaths. “I just can’t stop thinking about it. I still feel it every night. And when I look at Garak…”

“Are you angry with him?”

“Yes…no…I don’t know.” Julian slumped back on the couch. “I can’t help but blame him for what happened. Like…Tain did it. And even when Garak was part of it, it was because Tain made him. He told me after that he joined Tain to protect me…for all the good it did. But if he hadn’t been there, Tain wouldn’t have hurt me like he did.”

“You don’t know that.” The counselor looked at him seriously. “Tain’s actions were his own. It wasn’t about Garak, or the Dominion. He wanted power over you, and he was going to take it. Whatever justification he gave was to make himself feel better.”

Julian snorted. “He wasn’t a man who felt anything. He could have justified killing his own mother.”

“I see.” The counselor made a note. “How do you feel about Tain, then?”

“How do you think I feel?” Julian snapped. “I hate him, more than anyone else in the galaxy. But he’s dead now, so it’s really pointless to keep hating him.”

“If that’s how you feel, does it matter whether he’s alive or dead?”

“Maybe not…but it’s abstract. I can’t do anything about it except let it go, and letting this go…”

“That’s why I’m here. To help you with these feelings.”

Julian nodded. “I know.” He hesitated. “Commander Sisko wanted me to ask if…if maybe I shouldn’t see Garak so much.”

The counselor raised her eyebrows. “Do you want to keep seeing him?”

“I don’t know. He knows what happened…he understands what I’ve been through. And…I’m angry, sometimes. I…part of me blames him for what happened, but…I still want to be his friend.”

“How often do you two meet?”

“We have lunch once a week.”

“And what do you talk about?”

“Literature. History. Philosophy. Comparisons between our worlds…well, not so much anymore, but…that’s what he still talks about.”

“And you?”

“I don’t talk to him much at all anymore.”

The counselor nodded and made a few notes. “How do you feel after these meetings?”

Julian shrugged. “Numb. Confused. Same as I always feel now.”

“I think continuing to meet is fine, if it’s not aggravating your flashbacks. Have you been sleeping well?”

“Barely at all since I got back.”

“I would suggest a sedative. You’re a doctor, you know how much to prescribe.”

“Yes.”

“When do you next see Garak?”

“Not until next week.”

“In that case, for tomorrow, I want you to write down any feelings you have throughout the day. About anything. All right?”

“All right.”

“I think that’s enough for today. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Fine.” Julian stood up, relieved to be dismissed. “Thank you.”

The counselor smiled. “Just my job.”

*

All his life, Garak had been expected to make sacrifices.

Sacrifice his father’s love, his mother’s affection. Sacrifice any hope he had of a normal life with parents who publicly cared for him. Sacrifice his own desires for the good of Cardassia. Sacrifice his humanity in pursuit of justice, sacrifice his mind for the Order.

Sacrifice Julian to his father’s pleasure. Sacrifice his love for the sake of Tain’s trust.

Garak had given everything he had, had sacrificed everything he was until he had nothing left. Not even Julian.

The biggest question was, did Julian still love him?

He had, before. Garak was certain of that—Julian had said so himself, and Garak had never known the doctor to lie. In fact, before, Garak had been certain they were on the verge of something, had been looking forward to taking their relationship beyond friends into something else.

But that was before. Now, Garak wasn’t sure what they would be able to salvage, what parts of the might-have-been and should-have-said they could put back together into something that resembled a positive relationship.

So far, it wasn’t much. So far, all Garak got from Julian were haunted eyes and a few clipped words about whatever the topic of the week was. There was no indication of love or hate; the only emotions Garak had gotten from Julian were shock and anger.

If Julian hated him, that would be more tolerable than this. At least if Julian hated him, if Julian threw the entire experience in his face and told him to never come back, Garak would have a definite answer. He would know what to expect. But Julian didn’t hate him—Garak doubted Julian was capable of hating anyone. It just wasn’t in the doctor’s nature.

What he got instead was fear and uncertainty.

Sometimes, not often but more so as of late, Julian seemed to be with him. A few times, the ghost of a smile flitted around the doctor’s lips. At their most recent lunch, Julian had offered a bit of criticism about the latest novel Garak had given him to read, which sparked a short debate that, while not as intense as their previous ones, at least inspired some sort of emotion.

But most of the time, Julian was withdrawn, only a little more alert than he’d been on Tain’s ship in the day after it happened. Garak knew he had to be patient, that Julian was trying to get his life back together, but he wished that Julian would feel something for him, something that would let him know where they stood. Maybe it wasn’t fair for him to expect Julian to make any decisions right now, but the waiting was killing him.

If this was a Cardassian novel, a romance or an epic, there would be much less ambiguity. If this was a simple Cardassian matter, Julian would have forgiven him already. There would be no chance of them rebuilding what might have been, but there wouldn’t be all this confusion. There would be no I-don’t-know, only a simple no.

Garak could handle no.

But Julian didn’t say no to him.

Julian only said maybe.

*

It’s a process.

That was what Julian’s counselor kept telling him. It’s a process. Some days will be up, some will be down, and some will be forgotten as they happen.

There weren’t many up days.

Most of the time, Julian was still floating from place to place, barely aware of where he was or what he was doing. At least now he could sleep, thanks to the hypospray in his nightstand, but otherwise he didn’t think he was getting better.

After two weeks of daily therapy, the most improvement Julian saw was that he didn’t dwell on the event itself as often. Most of the time, he didn’t think about anything. His mind was still going, but it was working as quickly as possible to stay blank, going through tasks mechanically, supplying replies whenever anyone spoke to him, but otherwise not letting him think.

But it was apparently enough to convince other people he was perfectly all right. At least he could fake happiness now.

Which was probably why he wound up on the Defiant, heading for the Tzenkethi system to prevent a war. Which was why he had to spend a full three days running around the ship, trying to avoid a Changeling out to kill them all.

And yet, somehow, being switched with the Changeling at least once, being afraid for his life, being paranoid about his crewmates…somehow, Julian’s brain came back to life in that moment.

It was fear, yes, but a different fear than what he’d felt with Tain. This was adrenaline, this was action, this was what he’d trained for. It was enough. For the first time in over a month, he could feel again.

Even when they returned to the station, exhausted and more frightened than ever before, Julian felt more alive than he had since the attack.

“Maybe I just need action,” he told his counselor. “Maybe being afraid of something else is enough to wipe it away.”

“It’s possible,” his counselor conceded. “I think it’s more likely you need a distraction…something that takes your whole attention. Your work as a doctor is challenging, I’m sure, but you’re a brilliant doctor. Medicine comes naturally to you. You don’t have to pay too much attention most of the time.”

“So you think I need to be distracted?”

“Yes.” The counselor took some notes. “I believe you mentioned before that you have a friend who writes holosuite programs?”

“Yes,” Julian said. “Felix. We were at the Academy together.”

“I suggest you contact him. Commission a new program…one designed to occupy your full attention. Something with lots of danger in it, lots of puzzles for you to solve.”

“That will take a bit of time,” Julian said. “If he’s custom designing it, it will take months to complete.”

“I know,” the counselor said. “Until then, I suggest you tell yourself there’s a Changeling around every corner.” She laughed a bit. “And for all we know, there could be.”

Julian laughed with her, and felt, for the first time, something that might have been hope.

*

Julian looked better.

Garak noticed it right away when Julian came into the Replimat. The color had returned to his cheeks, the light was back in his eyes, and there might have been a smile hanging around his mouth.

Garak’s mouth went dry. In his sorrow over the last month, he had forgotten just how beautiful Julian truly was. Garak smiled, and it felt almost natural.

“Hello, Doctor,” he said as Julian sat down.

“Hello,” Julian said. They were quiet as they ate their lunch—and Julian was eating, not as quickly as before, but eating.

Garak wanted to say something, anything, about the doctor’s condition, but he couldn’t. He didn’t want to shatter whatever fragile recovery Julian had built. But who knew when he would be ready to hear him again?

“Julian,” Garak said. “I wonder if you might like to have dinner sometime.”

Julian jumped and stared at him, wide-eyed. “Um…” he said, looking somewhere between flustered and terrified. It was almost like their first meeting, but this time, the fear was winning.

“Just…” Garak struggled for words. It was a rare and very difficult occasion. “We’ve barely talked since…in a long time and I’d like to spend more time with you…be better friends.”

Julian relaxed a bit at the word “friends,” though the glow from earlier was gone. “Maybe,” he said. “I don’t know if I’m ready for…”

“I’m not asking for anything,” Garak said. “Just a bit more time to talk about books or philosophy or...anything really.”

Julian nodded slowly. “I…I’d like that,” he finally said.

“Tomorrow?” Garak asked. “Or are you busy?”

“Tomorrow’s fine,” Julian said. “Tomorrow’s just fine.”

*

“How do you feel about him?”

Julian sighed. “I don’t know,” he said. “I still don’t know.”

The counselor hummed and made a note on her PADD. “Let’s go simpler—how did you feel about him before the assault?”

“We were friends,” Julian said. “We still are, but…before, we were on the verge of something more. I wanted that.”

“Something more meaning love or sex?”

“Both,” Julian said. “I don’t know how far it would have gone, but…I think we both understood we were heading for a romance…probably long-term, at least a few tumbles.”

“But you never got there.”

“No…Tain took it away from us before we could act on it.”

“You don’t think you could be more than friends now?”

“I don’t know,” Julian repeated. “I think…with time, we might be able to get to love. But…I don’t know if sex is on the table.”

“That’s understandable,” the counselor said. “Has he asked for sex?”

“No,” Julian said. “No, he probably understands…it’s just…” He took a deep breath. “The attraction’s there. Part of me does still want him, but…”

“Don’t push yourself,” the counselor said. “If you want to pursue a romance with Garak, that’s up to you. But make sure your boundaries are clear and that he understands them.”

“Yeah,” Julian said. “Yes, I will.”

*

Dinner was nice, an extension of their lunches more than anything else, but without the pressing need to go back to work. The conversation was a bit strained, but it was at least there. Julian looked tense, but he didn’t allude to anything bothering him in particular.

Garak walked Julian back to his quarters that night, but didn’t go in. He said good night in the corridor and left it at that.

The next week, Garak repeated the invitation to dinner and Julian once again accepted. It soon became part of their routine, lunch on Tuesday, dinner on Wednesday, Garak taking Julian home after and nothing more.

He didn’t expect more. Julian was still his friend and that should have been enough. But knowing they had been so close…

But Julian was recovering. He was definitely present most of the time now; he laughed a bit more, relaxed around Garak. They didn’t talk about it and somehow, that seemed to be the right thing to do.

It was a revelation when, a month later, Julian actually took his hand as they walked back to his quarters after dinner. Garak still didn’t go inside, only smiled and said good night. Julian smiled back, and it was almost like everything else had faded.

The hand holding continued, as did the smiles. Two months after the first dinner, Garak worked up his courage again. “Do you need to go back to your quarters right away?” he asked as they left Quark’s.

“No,” Julian said. “Not really. Why?”

“I wondered if you might like to walk a bit more tonight. Just along the Promenade.”

Julian’s smile was dazzling. “I would love that.”

They strolled down the Promenade hand in hand, like they were normal. Garak wondered if they were still just friends or if they were moving toward the something more category. He didn’t dare ask—what they had built was unsteady and he wouldn’t send it crashing down.

“Garak,” Julian said as they walked. “I think…I might be happy.”

Garak closed his eyes to hide the tears that had sprung up. “My dear doctor,” he said, the words a prayer on his lips. “I think I might be as well.”

Julian smiled and fell silent. They walked down the Promenade and back toward Julian’s quarters. Outside the door, Julian turned and kissed Garak’s cheek.

Garak smiled all the way back to his own quarters and didn’t care who saw.

*

It was as good as it could be.

Julian didn’t know what to call it yet. It wasn’t friendship anymore, he was sure of that, but it wasn’t quite what they had wanted before.

But it was nice. Garak was attentive and clever, and Julian was happy to spend time with him. It was good to put everything behind them and move on in nice dinners and quiet walks, in holding hands and in soft platonic kisses.

It wasn’t perfect. Julian was still transient through most of the time he wasn’t with Garak. He still used the hypospray to sleep, unable to shake off the memories of Tain when the lights were off. He was still hurting. But with Garak, he hurt a little bit less.

Then the Klingons came, and there was perfect, glorious distracting chaos for a whole week. A whole week of worrying what would happen, of preparing his infirmary for battle, of treating injuries from fights on the Promenade. For the first time in months, Julian had enough work to keep him busy. It was glorious.

And then there was battle, and oh! Julian suddenly understood the Klingon obsession with glorious battle. He wasn’t a fighter by nature, but here, with foes to face and injuries to heal, he was more alive than ever. The adrenaline rushed through him, pounded in his blood, and it was all he could do to keep himself in check as he moved through the battle, tending the wounded, shooting down the Klingons who got too close, not caring how much danger he was in. If he died here, it would be an honorable death, and while Julian didn’t believe in honor like they did, it would be better than dying as Tain’s whore.

When it was over, Julian was sore and exhausted and his mind was finally, mercifully blank. When Sisko showed up to the infirmary and ordered the staff to go get some sleep, Julian headed out without thinking where he was going.

He found himself walking towards Garak’s quarters. He hadn’t seen Garak in the infirmary and figured he should check on him. He went to the door and rang the chime.

“Come in.”

Julian opened the door and stepped inside. Garak was seated on the sofa, PADD in hand, as though it were another evening spent at home.

“Doctor! What a pleasant surprise!” Garak smiled at him. “What brings you here this late?”

“I came to check on you,” Julian said. “You didn’t come into after the battle and I was worried you might be hurt.”

“A few minor cuts and bruises,” Garak admitted. “But I was able to take care of them myself. I knew you had more urgent cases to attend to.”

Julian gave him a look of mock-sternness. “As your doctor, I must insist on checking you over,” he said before he could think too hard. “After all, just a few days ago the Klingons broke seven ribs and your clavicle. Even a minor bruise can have major consequences.”

“Well, if you insist.” Garak shifted and Julian sat down next to him. He ran a hand over Garak’s head, checking for any tender spots, before his hand moved down to Garak’s shoulder.

Garak’s breath caught for a moment before he turned. “Julian…”

“Hush,” Julian said. His other hand moved to Garak’s other shoulder. He stared into Garak’s startled eyes for a moment before he leaned in and kissed the tailor’s mouth.

Garak jolted in surprise, but then his hands moved to Julian’s waist and he kissed back. That was all the invitation Julian needed to deepen the kiss, moving closer to Garak.

They broke apart a moment later. Garak’s arms wrapped around Julian’s waist tightly, holding him close. It was nice. Protective.

“Julian,” Garak said, his voice a bit breathy. “Are you…?”

“Please don’t ask me any questions right now,” Julian said. “Right now, I’m not thinking. Don’t make me think.”

Garak nodded and they kissed again, deep and sloppy, hands moving over each other’s backs. Slowly, Garak lowered Julian down until they were lying on the couch, still kissing.

Julian moaned and Garak dared to move his hand slowly up Julian’s side, touching him through his clothing. It was nice…calm…Garak would take care of him.

Garak’s hand reached Julian’s neck and caressed it gently. The other hand remained at his waist, squeezing just a bit.

_A hand around his throat, squeezing the air out of him. A hand on his hip, digging in and leaving bruises…_

Julian pulled away from Garak with a cry. He reached up to Garak’s chest and pushed him away, up and off and away from him. “NO!” he shouted, sitting up and moving away.

Garak didn’t follow, only stared at him. “Julian…” He reached out toward him.

“Stay away!” Julian said. He staggered to his feet, his brain replaying Tain’s assaults over and over. _Weight on top of him, hands marking him…_

“I won’t touch you.” Garak moved back to the other side of the couch. “I promise, I won’t do anything you don’t want…just…just take a moment…”

Julian turned and bolted for the door. He ran down the corridors, not even listening to hear if Garak would chase him. He ran until he reached his own quarters, then went inside and bolted the door.

He went for the hypospray in his nightstand and didn’t even bother to undress before he pressed it to his neck.

*

Garak didn’t see Julian the next week. He figured he should give him some space after the disaster in his quarters, so he didn’t seek Julian out for their usual meals together.

How had it gone so wrong so quickly? Garak knew Julian was still recovering and he realized they had probably moved too fast, but Julian had initiated it. He couldn’t begin to guess at Julian’s mental state that would start an evening so promisingly and end it so abruptly.

He didn’t know where this left them, if the relationship they had built was over or if they might be able to salvage something from it. He didn’t dare go after Julian to ask—when Julian was ready, he would come to him.

The first week, Garak avoided him. The second week, Julian went off to the Gamma Quadrant and wasn’t seen again for days. When he came back, he didn’t go to see Garak, and Garak didn’t press him.

The third week, Garak went to lunch at their regular time and sat at their usual table. Julian didn’t show up, leaving Garak feeling cold and miserable. In the past, Julian always told him when he was cancelling a lunch date. Garak ate alone, figuring he could count on Julian not coming to dinner the next night. The week would have been a complete waste if he hadn’t learned about Dukat’s Bajoran lovechild (well, one of them, anyway), though it was clear Dukat was going to claim the girl publicly, meaning Garak didn’t even have good blackmail material.

The fourth week was much the same and by the fifth, Garak was certain Julian was avoiding him. He wasn’t just missing their scheduled mealtimes, either. Garak could usually count on Julian to pass by his shop at least once in a while, or run into him at Quark’s. Now, Garak only saw Julian from a distance and if Julian ever noticed him, he always looked away or hurried off somewhere.

Garak put on the mask, smiled pleasantly at everyone who came to the shop, acted like his heart wasn’t breaking again. Until four months ago, he hadn’t even realized he had a heart to break, but now…well, Tain had warned him about sentiment, hadn’t he? That was why Julian was avoiding him—he had been sentimental, and he had allowed it to destroy this beautiful man. Perhaps this was what he deserved for his weakness, to have Julian finally hate him.

Still, there was only so much wallowing a person could do, and nearly six months of guilt and anger was quite enough. Garak knew he would never have a relationship with Julian, had known that from the moment he took Tain’s hand on that ship. He had once again sabotaged his own happiness in the name of Cardassia; there was no point in continuing to punish himself.

Maybe Julian would always hate him. Fine. But Garak had to know, had to see him one last time to make sure it was really over.

It didn’t take long to figure out what Julian was doing while he was avoiding him. From the looks of things, he was spending an inordinate amount of time in the holosuite, though what sort of program he was running was anyone’s guess. Garak asked a few discrete questions of Quark, but all Quark knew was that it was something Julian had custom ordered.

It didn’t matter. Garak kept watch, made a note of the sort of costume Julian wore, and got to work on his own. At any rate, he knew where he could find Julian to make them figure this out.

*

He wasn’t avoiding Garak.

Julian kept telling himself that as the weeks passed. The first week after their last encounter, he was busy helping to repair the damage done in the battle. The second week, he was trapped in the Gamma Quadrant, finding a cure for Ketracel-White addictions, wonderfully distracting work until Miles fucked it up. But he did remember most of what he’d done, so the third week was spent entering all of it into his notes and continuing the theoretical research, which kept him so busy he didn’t even realize he had skipped his dates with Garak until it was too late to make up for them.

The week after that, the entire senior staff was distracted by the appearance of Dax’s ex-wife and while it wasn’t as mentally stimulating as Julian would have liked, it certainly held his attention. Somehow, seeing Jadzia and Lenara try to reconnect was encouraging, if a bit boring. They had waited several lifetimes to find each other again—what were a few weeks compared to entire lifetimes?

Before Julian could fully sort that thought out, they were on another disastrous trip into the Gamma Quadrant and he was stuck in a bulkhead with Jadzia.

“You’ve been awfully withdrawn lately,” she said as they waited for rescue.

Julian sighed. He hadn’t told her about what happened and he wasn’t sure this was the right time. “I had a fight with Garak,” he said. “Well…not a fight. But…we’re not talking.”

Jadzia shifted, wincing at her injuries. “What are you not talking about?” she asked.

“It’s…complicated,” Julian said. Complicated didn’t really cover it, but it was the best word he had. “Basically, I thought I wanted something and then…didn’t.”

“It happens,” Jadzia said. “But why aren’t you talking to him?”

“I just…I can’t,” Julian said lamely.

Jadzia sighed. “Julian, you’ve been crazy about this guy since you met him. What could be so bad that you can’t even talk to him about it?”

“You wouldn’t understand,” Julian mumbled. He knew he sounded immature, but he’d gotten used to sounding that way around Dax.

To her credit, Jadzia didn’t roll her eyes. “Maybe I wouldn’t,” she said. “But ask yourself this—if Garak was just erased from your life, would it make the situation any better?”

Julian didn’t know what to say to that.

*

Julian still didn’t know what to say a week later when he got a package from Earth. Inside was an isolinear rod containing the holosuite program he had commissioned months before.

As Julian stepped into the magical, colorful world of the 1960s, he felt everything wash away from him. The program was bright, almost eye-bleedingly so, with clothing and aesthetics that would send most sane people running. There were beautiful women everywhere to cater to his every whim, and dastardly villains he could outwit at every turn. In here, he wasn’t Dr. Bashir, writing reports and tending to minor injuries, he was a hero out to save the world. He wasn’t a freak, having to hide his abilities at every turn and pretend to be normal, he was a superspy who was expected to know everything.

He certainly wasn’t a helpless rape victim. In here, away from the station, away from Garak, no one was ever going to make him a victim again.

It was perfect. The puzzles were difficult enough to keep him occupied, the adventures were enough to keep his adrenaline up. After a few sessions, he was even willing to start indulging with the women in the game, keeping tight control over their interactions. They didn’t mind—they weren’t real. They were made to follow his wishes. Being in control of them made it possible for him.

It was liberating, a personal battlefield for him to conquer, with no one there to remind him of what he’d lost.

Which was why when, two weeks later, he was highly displeased when Garak came barging in.

“Nice tux,” Julian said once he’d gotten his bearings. Seeing him again, here, where he definitely wasn’t wanted.

“Thank you,” Garak said. He seemed…normal, like the last month hadn’t happened.

None of that. “Now get out,” Julian said. He didn’t want to see Garak, not now, maybe not ever.

“But Doctor, I’ve only just arrived.” Garak was smirking, that stupid, self-satisfied smirk he always had. And it would be just like Garak to laugh at the only thing that was keeping Julian functional right now.

“Garak, breaking into a holosuite during someone's program is not only rude, it's illegal,” Julian pointed out, fighting to keep his voice calm. “I should call Odo and have you arrested.”

“What an extreme reaction that would be,” Garak said. “You must be quite embarrassed by this program.”

“I'm not embarrassed,” Julian said, not entirely truthfully. “I'm annoyed that you've intruded on my privacy.”

“Privacy, Doctor?” Garak said. “I'd say it goes far deeper than that. Ever since you received this new program, you've been spending virtually all of your free time in the holosuite. But you haven't told anyone what the program is.”

Count on Garak to know that. “Am I supposed to?” Julian asked, wishing Garak would just go away.

“No,” Garak said. “But you’re a—forgive me—talkative man and it’s unusual for you to have secrets.”

Julian fought down a bitter laugh. If only Garak knew just how many secrets he was keeping… “I must’ve picked up the habit from you,” he said. “Now, if you’ll excuse me…”

“Is this fantasy of yours really that revealing of your inner psyche?” Garak asked, and there was a touch of desperation to his voice.

Julian blinked. “What?”

“Is that why you're so protective?” Garak continued. “Afraid that I might learn some humiliating secret about the real Julian Bashir?”

 _You already know the most humiliating thing I’ve been through,_ Julian thought. Out loud, he said, “This is just a fantasy, Garak. I’m not hiding anything.”

“If you have nothing to hide, then why not let me stay?”

_You know why. If I let you stay, we’ll have to talk and then you’ll want to discuss our relationship and I don’t know what to do about it._

But he knew Garak wouldn’t be put off. He knew that he couldn’t avoid it forever, that they had to talk about it sometime. Finally, he sighed. “All right. But I've only got another two hours before I go on duty and I want to enjoy myself. So keep quiet and don't rain on my parade.” There. Garak could see why he indulged like this, and they wouldn’t have to talk about it.

“Your parade?” Garak asked.

Julian sighed. “Never mind.”

“Don't worry, Doctor,” Garak said. “I can be quite discreet. You'll barely know I'm here.”

How could he not know Garak was there? For all his subterfuge and ability to quietly fade into the background, Garak had presence that Julian couldn’t miss no matter how hard he tried. But he just smiled a bit and said, “Good.”

“But if I might make one observation…”

“Garak,” Julian said in a warning tone.

“I just wanted to point out that your lovely companion is leaving.”

Julian turned to see the woman he had been kissing just moments before leaving the room. He sighed, but realized it was for the best. He didn’t want Garak to see what he had planned to get up to with her. Garak had seen quite enough of Julian in compromising positions, and then Julian would have to answer a lot of questions about why he could tolerate a solid light projection touching him but not Garak.

It was probably best to leave that for his counselor.

*

Julian might have completely given up on the program if the rest of the staff hadn’t been injected into it, forcing him to leave it on. In between attempting to keep everyone alive with the safeties off and having Garak verbally snipe at him at every turn, he was able to keep himself occupied pretty well.

Until Garak told him to give up.

“This has gone far enough. It’s time to cut our losses.”

Julian looked at him, aghast. “We can’t do that! Kira or Dax might be…”

“Yes, they might be killed, and that is unfortunate,” Garak said. Julian looked at him and there was a touch of regret in his eyes. “But there comes a point when the odds are against you and the only reasonable course of action... is to quit.”

And there it was. There was the admission Julian had waited six months to hear, that Garak had never really intended to save him. “Quit?” he repeated, using every ounce of his will to keep the tears back. “Is that what they taught you in the Obsidian Order? To give up when things get tough?”

“As a matter of fact, they did,” Garak said, and Julian could almost believe it was a real apology. “That's why I've stayed alive and so many of my colleagues are dead. Because I know when to walk away.” _Like I walked away from you,_ his eyes seemed to say. _Like I gave up when I saw you suffer._ “And that time is now, Doctor. You would know that if you were a real intelligence agent.”

Julian stared at him, anger and hurt coursing through him, giving him strength. “That's what this is all about, isn't it? The fact that my fantasy happens to step on what you consider your private domain.” That wasn’t it was about, not at all, but he wasn’t going to face that now. “What's the matter, Garak? Have I bruised your ego by playacting at something you take so very seriously?” Maybe he had done it on purpose. Maybe making a mockery of Garak’s life was his own private revenge.

Garak gave him another unreadable smirk. “That's something else you haven't learned, Doctor,” he said. “A real intelligence agent has no ego, no conscience, no remorse.” _No remorse for what Tain did, no remorse for what I did._ “Only his sense of professionalism. And mine is telling me it's time to go.” He turned. “Computer…”

Julian pulled out his gun and aimed it at Garak. He didn’t know what he wanted to do—kill him? Hurt him? Disable him, make him feel as hopeless as he did? “Don’t,” he said. _Don’t try and pretend it doesn’t mean anything to you, don’t make me choose between you and my friends, don’t make me put you through this…_

“Or what? You’ll kill me?” _Pull that trigger, Julian. Find out what it means to be a real intelligence agent. Find out how it feels to destroy the thing you love._

It was only because of his enhancements that Julian could keep his hand steady. “If you call for the exit, you might kill Sisko and the others. I can't risk that.” _I can’t lose you, I’ll talk to you, just don’t walk out that door._

Garak looked at him, a thousand things passing between them before he spoke again. “I don’t believe you’ll pull that trigger.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that.”

“It's time to face reality, Doctor,” Garak said. “You're a man who dreams about being a hero... because deep down, you know that you're not.” _Make him angry. Make him hate me. If he shoots me down, maybe that will be enough. Maybe then I won’t have to face him._ “I'm no hero either, but I know how to make choices... and I'm choosing to save myself.”

_You’ll always choose to save yourself. You’ll always choose what you want over what I want._

“Computer, show me the…”

Julian pulled the trigger, aiming to graze Garak’s neck. As the bullet nicked the scales, Julian felt a burning where Tain’s fingers had pressed into the same spot.

Garak fell and Julian’s resolve broke. He rushed to Garak, praying it really was just a graze. Garak’s fingers felt the wound and came away streaked with blood.

“You’re fine,” Julian said. “Just a flesh wound.” _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…_

Garak’s face was shocked. It was a new expression, and a wonderful one. There was no anger, no hurt, just shock and a bit of pride. “That was awfully close, Doctor. What if you’d killed me?” _What if I wasn’t here, what if I could give you that much?_

“What makes you think I wasn’t trying?” _I wasn’t, I don’t want you gone, I want you to stay…I know how to wound, too, Garak. I know how far I can drive a knife in without killing you._

“Doctor,” Garak breathed. “I believe there’s hope for you yet.” _I forgive you. I’m so proud of you._

Julian smiled. “I'm so relieved. Now, we have to get to the control room. Are you coming or not?”

Garak stood up, a light back in his eyes. “Who am I to question Julian Bashir, secret agent?” He smiled. “Lead the way.”

*

It wasn’t until the next day, the world destroyed and the crew saved, that they could talk again.

They went back into the holosuite, to Julian’s apartment in Hong Kong. A new valet was created by the computer (though it may have been the same one, Garak couldn’t tell), and she served them a very nice lunch. They sat, and talked about books and philosophy and all the usual things, and Garak wondered if they would ever get around to the point.

It was only after the table was clear and they had moved to the sofa that he dared bring it up. “Julian,” he said, to signal that they were no longer just friends here. “We need to talk about what happened last month.”

Julian’s smile vanished. He sipped at his martini for a moment. “Last month…before last month…everything,” he said.

Garak nodded. “What I told you yesterday, about giving up…that’s all true. Sometimes, you do have to quit. You do have to make sacrifices. And yes, sometimes, you have no choice but to let other people get hurt.” He looked away. “I got too used to letting that happen. In the Obsidian Order, I learned to stop caring about people. I learned to let innocent people get hurt and killed because I didn’t want to make the effort to save them.” He closed his eyes, blinking back tears. “I got too used to just letting them die…too used to just watching them suffer…I’ve never learned to stop it…”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

Garak turned back to Julian. “What?”

“It wasn’t your fault.” Julian met his gaze steadily, though his eyes were bright. “Nothing Tain did to me was your fault. Nothing you did was your fault…how could it be, when he was manipulating you? He did this to us, not you. And…there’s nothing you could have done. If you had fought him, we all would have died.”

“Julian…”

“I’m not angry with you anymore,” Julian said. “I was before, but…I was hurt. I’m still hurting. And I needed someone to blame…someone to direct all of that towards.”

“You didn’t act angry.”

“No.” Julian blinked rapidly, fighting tears. “I suppressed that…because I knew you weren’t to blame. And I…I still love you.” He hung his head as though ashamed. “Last month…that was my fault. I pushed us too far…I thought I could handle it, but…I just wasn’t ready. I’m still not.”

“But…you’ve got this, all these women…”

“They aren’t real. They can’t hurt me.” Julian swallowed. “In here, I control them. They’re mindless light, not a real person…they don’t have any of the messy parts of love, just a simulation of intimacy. With you…”

“I understand.” Garak tentatively moved closer. “So where does that leave us?”

“We can’t be friends anymore,” Julian said. Garak’s heart sank, but Julian kept talking. “We’ve gotten too close to just be friends. I want more than friendship, just not…no sex yet.” He looked at Garak, the tears finally falling.

“I can accept that,” Garak said. “I can accept whatever you want.” He hesitated. “Can I hug you now?”

Julian nodded and moved closer. Garak wrapped his arms around Julian, pulling him close. Julian hugged Garak around the middle and buried his head in his shoulder and cried.

“I’m sorry,” Garak said. “For everything…I’m so, so sorry.”

Julian squeezed him a bit tighter. “I forgive you.”


End file.
